Invaluable Pineapple Information

I think the majority of the public probably isn't aware of the ramifications of eating pineapple unprepared. Here's a handy guide:

Canned Pineapple Tidbits

-Child under 7: Increased Brain activity
-Average Joe: Frequent headnodding and eyebrow raising
-Pompous Fruit Conesseur: N/A - Too cultured to be caught eating fruit in a cup
-Hawaiian Local: Disgust, possible nausea.


Canned Pineapple. Broyer. *note, effects double if eaten with a large spoon

-Child under 7: Increased motor skills and pattern recognition
-Average Joe: Incesant headnodding and eyebrow raising
-Pompous Fruit Conesseur: N/A - Too cultured to be caught eating fruit in a cup
-Hawaiian Local: Disgust.


Fresh Pineapple, grocery store
-Child under 7: Temporary ADHD, muscular strength and dexterity tripled
-Average Joe: Neck protrusion, constant blinking
-Pompous Fruit Conesseur: Arrogant Snort
-Hawaiian Local: Medium to long sigh...


Tree Ripened Pineapple

-Child under 7: Permanent ADHD, loss of some motor functions, possible coma
-Average Joe: instantly brought to their knees, watery eyes, possible references to god
-Pompous Fruit Conesseur: Wheezing, helpless attemps to keep their dignity. 'Something' in their eye.
-Hawaiian Local: Pleasent smile